I can't....

Ever feel like you're being forced to make the very decisions that are going to destroy you?

I miss my friends.

Forgive Me?

I'm the sort of person who obsesses. Not externally, like stalking or something, but internally. Every little thing that doesn't make sense to me plays out over and over again in my mind. Scenario after scenario, from plausible to completely absurd. And it makes me overly serious in almost everything I do. It makes me feel like I'm crazy. It's like I can't stop analyzing. I'm afraid this tendency is sabotaging something I'm not sure I can afford to lose. I wonder if I can ever learn to stop.

Enough Said

Brittany Spears is not news!

Do-over

I wish life had a do-over policy, where you could just erase something and get a fresh start. there isn't much i'd change, experience gained and all that, but i'm going crazy trying to make up for past mistakes at the moment. So many things would be so much easier. Obviously I can't just start over and I'll have to make the best of things, which, inevitably, I will--but I can dream about it.

Tomorrow

I have my first real goal: i want to buy a house. I'm not entirely sure where, but I'd really like to own my own house within 3 years. I think I can achieve that. It would be the first long-term thing I've ever accomplished and I could really use that right now. It will take some sacrifice but I need to create some stability in my life and right now I have none. I think if I can do this I can finally stop trying to find stability through other people and will be able to find a relationship worthwhile: something I have yet to find. I don't even wish for love anymore, all I want is something to rely on. anything. something that won't change when people tire of me.

Every ounce
For not
Again and again exposed
Yet for nothing.
Hopes of reliability
Dashed with every turn
I never loved you
but I hoped to.

Searching for self
Lost to everyone
Denying self-worth
For a lie.
I know better
but I don't care.
Self-worth is defined by the values of others.
I hate that I can't stand up for love.

Introspect

I hate not being busy. In any given day I can do a hundred different things without pausing for a breath in between. And yet I feel completely boring. It's like I'm not capable of having fun. I can enjoy myself, I can be content, but I can't have fun. I hate it. It alienates people that I care about and leaves me feeling like a waste. Sometimes I wonder if there's any hope for me to ever have a real connection with someone else. I'm losing hope.